not quite a qualified nurse (?)_nurse preceptee

it's quite a difficult time to post this blog. not that i'm busy or anything but i'm feeling a bit upset about what went on this morning or earlier today. anyway, lets try and calm myself down by blogging about my work yesterday which sorta led to what transpired today.

worked yesterday. was good, yes just one word to sum it all. worked with preceptor, had a chat with her just before the end of my shift and was given some contructive feedback from her, which was a bit of surprise really. anyway, did drug round with her and to be honest i wasn't really up to the standard. wasn't myself. was a bit nervous i guess. wasn't quite sure why. well, i've never been quite sure when i'm working with another colleague. i was told to push myself forward a bit. i didn't yesterday cos' i thought there was a sister with me, so i'd just be assisting her but i was told that i should act like a staff nurse and take charge. point noted.

the other more major thing is drug administration really. i think i've let myself down in a way. i've read up on analgesics but not really on cardiac drugs. so a couple of things i was pulled up on: volterol = diclofenac (i should know this really but didn't) and have forgotten that it's NSAID ie. can't be given to patients who are either NBM or on ff only. so the pain relief that i could give to patients in this case is restricted and i need to think carefully about what i give to them. i think this is very good feedback and will push me to read up more on this topic but unfortunately, not many nurses that i have worked with have pushed me to think about things like that. so, 1-0 to my preceptor.

the other thing was about atenolol. i was about to give the patient atenolol after i had checked that his BP was fine but apparently failed to notice that it was not given the day before and i should also have looked at the trend of his BP whilst not been given the drug. they were on the low side. so, 2-0 for my preceptor. actually i did briefly look if he was given the hypertensive drug but thought it was signed but it was actually a number to indicate that drug was not given on nurse's discretion. i supposed it's not really a good enough reason but i did try and explain to my preceptor but it didn't really sound like a reason and in the end i fumbled and apologised and talked about something else. what a plonker i'm....

anyway, like i said earlier, these are constructive feedback and i'm more than happy to act on them (whilst trying not to get too personal with my preceptor about it :-p). and i went to the bookshop after work and bought a £35 pharmacology book. the challenge now is for me to read it and put it too good use what i like about the book (apart from being a new book, published 2007, and 7th edition i think) is there are questions at the end of each chapter and the questions were those that prompt one to think about drug safety and contra-indications etc.

then also met up with partner and we went to see stardust after pondering about what to do on a saturday evening. when we came out of the cinema, got missed calls and a message from the mother of our lil boy that they were in hospital due to breathing difficulties. (he had a cold earlier during the week). so, phoned the other mom up and was immediately told off for not replying. so had to explained that we were in the cinema and when u r in cinema, u turn off ur mobile phones. so, we rushed back, obviously that other mom wasn't happy. but she can be quite rude sometimes anyway. so, we stayed at theirs to look after our daughter who was asleep and the other mom went straight to the hospital to join her partner and our boy. to cut the long story short, our son apparently wasn't breathing right, so, mom 1 took him to hospital and stayed overnight while mom 2 came back after an hour or so. we went back home.

the next morning we all went to see our son. when we got there, he was busy playing with another boy, which boys do and after exchanging pleasantries, i went to look at his notes and apparently he was in a bit of a respiratory distress and was advised by the GP to bring him to the hospital. oxygen saturation was fine throughout the night etc.. so nothing major really, and then after the doctor ward round, they took him back while we waited for his salbutamol to arrive on the ward from the pharmacy. and it took like 2 hours. really ridiculous but that's what happens everywhere and i personally had patients who were to annoyed with us cos' they thought it's our fault!!

anyway, i've lost the plot now. o yes, what i forgot to mention was mom 1 had a go at us on the ward again for having our phone switched off and not bothering to check if our boy was ok yesterday before going to the cinema. what f..k..g s..t!!! not trying to be unpleasant to her or anything like that (she hadn't had any sleep during the night cos' had to pin him down when the nurses there gave our boy nebs etc. every couple of hours throughout the night) but what was this all about??? why couldn't they call us at 4pm when they rang up the GP and was told about possible admission? instead of frantically trying to contact us when we are in the cinema at 7pm and then blamed it on us for not being there?? omfg!! what do we do to deserve them i dunno, these two b.....s can be real unpleasant and rude. anyway, i kept my cool, my partner never really react to things; but i'm going to have a word with them next week when things settle down a bit i think, i just don't think we can keep on like this. it's always our fault if things go wrong. i've my own ideas why mom 2 was desperate to join mom 1 in the hospital but it's too complicated to explain all that in one post, so will leave it for the time being but hey, i'm really pissed off with them at the moment. f.....g b....h !"£$%^&*(*&^

huh...apologies for all the swearing.....i'm beginning to appreciate the saying women are from venus/men from mars!!! oops, am i turning into a sexist???

just read this on thestar.com.my ; quite refreshing to see the the british media/bbc on the `spotlight' of a malaysian columnist, but then, how many people read their local writers' columns??

here is the article...

#
Even a royal visit sees double standards at play

MIDWEEK WITH BUNN NAGARA

WHEN Britain invited King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia for a state visit this week, the first Saudi royal visit in 20 years, it was supposed to be a memorable occasion.

The king would be greeted by Prince Charles on arrival, then ride in a state carriage procession yesterday with Queen Elizabeth II before dining at a royal banquet. Staying at the queen’s official residence at Buckingham Palace, Abdullah would then meet Prime Minister Gordon Brown for talks today.

These events are taking place, but are becoming unforgettable for the wrong reasons. British critics of Abdullah, including some parliamentarians, human rights NGOs and the media, denounce the Saudi monarch’s rule for repression, human rights abuses including torture, discrimination against women and corruption.

Then on the eve of the visit, a BBC interview sparked more self-righteous indignation. Abdullah reportedly said through an interpreter that Riyadh had supplied Britain (in December 2004) with intelligence tips about the deadly July 2005 bombings in London, but British authorities chose to ignore them.

British authorities say the tip-off was “insufficient,” “materially different” from what was required to make effective arrests, or just “not credible.” But intelligence officials in several countries have said the Saudis had come to know the plot would involve explosives to be triggered in crowded parts of London, had a Syrian contact, but at least some of the bombers would be British citizens.

Where Saudi and British governments are both implicated or culpable, somehow the British side make it all out to be Saudi Arabia’s fault. This includes criticism of the British government’s hospitality, without reporting why London had invited Abdullah to visit in the first place or any recognition that Riyadh has lately been introducing moderate reforms.

If indeed Saudi Arabia is guilty as alleged, Britain had wallowed in a major supporting role and continues to do so. British authorities must know of any unsavoury details, yet have consistently chosen to work closely with the Saudis.

British parliamentarian Andrew Tyrie said if Britain had so much as allowed CIA flights carrying kidnapped persons for “extraordinary rendition” (torture overseas) in places like Saudi Arabia, it would be guilty of violating both criminal law and the UN Convention Against Torture. Early last year it was revealed that British authorities had been complicit in that.

On corruption, Saudi Arabia is reviled in the British media and elsewhere for receiving arms kickbacks, but the spotlight is off where there may be guilty Britons. Britain’s Serious Fraud Office last year investigated the £43bil (RM297bil) Al-Yamamah arms deal, where British Aerospace denied any wrongdoing.

Yet after investigators began their work, then prime minister Tony Blair put a stop to it. If guilt exists, an investigation would have identified not just Saudi individuals but also Britons, including politically connected ones.

If there had been no corruption, why was the investigation halted when it could have proved that no party was guilty? Saudi pressure had reportedly been placed on London to stop the inquiry, but Downing Street must also have been relieved that no dirty linen had been exposed.

All this has instilled some cynicism in the British media. There is general disbelief that Saudi Arabia had provided Britain with enough information to apprehend the 2005 bombers, as there is incredulity that Riyadh would have withheld intelligence cooperation on terrorism if Britain did not stop the arms inquiry.

Yet what level of intelligence would be “sufficient” to motivate British authorities to take necessary action? What exactly is required for MI5 or Scotland Yard to begin unearthing further intelligence on their own, adequate for the necessary arrests?

Tony Blair did not require much proof to start a war based on Saddam Hussein being a threat to the world “within 45 minutes.” And Prime Minister Gordon Brown isn’t asking for much verification of Iran’s “nuclear threat” before launching sanctions against Teheran.

British critics of King Abdullah dismiss as disingenuous his criticism of British inaction over Saudi intelligence information. But Saudis may still have much to learn from their British counterparts on that score.
#

well, finally get to meet this ward manager of mine to discuss my `issues'. but as always, i didn't manage to let the other person know fully what was on my mind. ah well, another life experience...

so, had this meeting which was supposed to be about my personal/professional development plan but due to me being rushed in my meeting with the ward manager, we ended up just talking for about 2 minutes which is highly undesirable really from my own point of view as i've loads to get off my chest.

so, no prospect or prospect is not good anyway, of increasing my current hours to full time as there was no money in the pot. to be fair, i thought she tried her best and spoke to the matron on behalf of us newly qualified nurses on the ward about the posibilities of having our hours increased but hey, the usual excuse no money. it really annoys me when i remembered watching on the telly yesterday the docs protesting etc. about the possibility of no jobs to turn to and the BMA was equally supportive. and look at what RCN, UNison etc. have done for the nursing profession, us newly qualifieds who were lucky enough to get a job? albeit a part time one? and what about those still actively looking for jobs?? what have u done, RCN?? shame on u!! and u have the cheek to increase your subscription etc. boooooooooooooo!

also, told ward manager about my interest in research. since i'm only working part time and have plenty of time in hand, thought i could get involved in research which is one of my main interests but was instead told to concentrate in getting my competencies done. well, good point except that when i looked at the competencies listed in my preceptorship booklet last time, they were the things that we had done as students and had been signed off umpteenth time!! ok, i'm more than prepared to be assessed again on my aseptic techniques etc.. bla di bla but hey, wait a minute, i need to get hold of my preceptor and where has she gone...oops holiday!! or nope, she is around but too busy to work with me (her usual excuse and worse, she would say something like `u r doing really well, no negative comments from nurses / colleagues that u worked with so far, keep up the good work that kinda good s...t) but then still no where near to pinning her down for a half an hour interview to get my competencies signed off. what the f..k!!!! what's the point of telling me how good i'm when what is important to me (apart from the patients, well, have to throw that in, don't i?) is my preceptorship booklet; if i don't get that signed, i'ven't really got much of a future in my career prospect ie. pay increment etc. , huh, ....perhaps i'm too impatient, but hey, it's my life we are talking about. i can't afford to go on holiday like you lot can while i still stay on part time band 5 Afc, got it??

how can i not get annoyed when people just simply don't have any regards for u, or perhaps i'm a bit harsh but what conclusion can i draw from my experience so far of trying to get my book signed off? (well, getting the book was a herculean task on its own, had to wait for 6 weeks before i get one whilst my newly qualified friends on other wards had theirs on the first week they start, just plain inconsiderate isn't it?)

anyway, i better write the tasks that i've performed down here now before i forget; also a good piece of hard evidence that i've done quite a lot of the competencies outlined in the book whilst they were busy not signing my book!!

dressing, aseptic technique involved
doing daily care plans, assessment, planning, implementation and evaluation of care
assisted patients in eating and drinking, hygiene care - shower (assisted with bath before which i forgot to put in my entry last week or the week before)
controlled drugs checking/administration
monitoring urine output, fluid balance chart etc.

ok, that's the things i can remember, will try and add things in this entry ...o yes, caring of IV cannulae, administration of IV infusion.

ok, baby sitting duty soon... gotto get rid of all the swear words in my head as i'm supposed to be a good role model to kids (according to their moms) huh...

the clock has turned back an hour, dusk starts to dawn upon us by 5pm or 1700 according to my nursing clock. the air has inadvertently turn so wintry, that dull, gloomy atmosphere is just overwhelming...i can begin to appreciate the effect of dementors described by JKR. just so lifeless, well, maybe not quite as dramatic as that but it just sucks out all the life in me; making me lethargic, apathetic and generally tired all the time. i could have stayed in bed all day today if not for a bit of a sheer will power. it's a constant battle against this dark gloomy winter months and i really get fed up and frustrated.

anyway, called mom and found out that today is one of the auspicious days in buddhism (to do with kuan yin boddhisatva). i'm not sure when i started to drift away from religion and start to question to relevance of religion itself at times. anyway, i shall not go into this. buddhism is probably not a religion after all, anyway, not in the theist sense or at least the roots of all evil as described by dawkins

o yes, i woke up in the middle of the nite, well, 0400, the time i'd probably have woken up had i got to go to work this morning but nope, it's my day off. so, i ended going online and blogged my previous post which i can't quite remember what it was about. and then got a skype msg from a friend whom i knew back when i did my first degree in malaysia. she is now in the states, it was about 10pm there. so, we had a bit of a chat and she didn't look forward to going back to malaysia in dec. she is just a bit fed up and frustrated with the current race situation in malaysia. when i enquired further, apparently, some honchos (well not the ministries this time) have been secretly telling MNCs that they've to fulfil a 30% quota of malay/bumi employees at executive level and i take it that she is not happy cos' this might mean she has got less of a chance to get a job when she goes back to malaysia. so i did my usual best, used my nursing, counselling skills to try and reassure her that with her vast experience and skills, it wouldn't be too difficult to find a job back in malaysia. and then we kinda drifted to the discussion about her unhappiness about the race relation (so it's not about her prospect of getting a job after all, ouch..) and here is an example she gave.

a friend of hers who is a design engineer interviewed and shortlisted two candidates. one malay, first class from mara uni, and one chinese, first class from uni malaya. he wanted to employ the chinese bloke and when i asked her how did he come to that decision, i almost fell from my sofa! well, apparently this designer engineer friend of hers felt that it is more difficult to get a first class from UM than from Mara (how people draw that conclusion from, i've no idea; well, i might be a bit misleading here, lets say first class from cambridge and first class from university of loughborough :-), you get the picture). but i don't buy that kinda argument..anyway, when pointed out to her that academic achievement shouldn't be the sole yardstick for employing someone, there was a deafening silence..again i'm a bit overdramatic. but hey, i just cannot believe that things are so race tainted nowadays that people would justify employing someone by just measuring their academic abilities. what about communication skills? life experience? well, to be fair, when i did press on, my friend did say that the friend of hers thought the chinese malaysian bloke faired better in the interview. i'm not convinced that she knew about that. but the fact that she thought i'd agree with her because her friend wanted to pick a bloke who had a first from UM over another bloke who also had a first but from a different uni is just stunning...maybe i've been abroad for too long, i really dunno but if this is how people are employed in malaysia, it doesn't bode well for the future of the country. not to mention there is a hint of race in every aspect of your daily life..

ah well, hopefully i'm doing her friend injustice by being overly critical of his selection rationale as i only received all these info second hand.

right back to me. i'm now reading Collin Abraham's Speaking out - insights into comtemporary malaysian issues which i find refreshing and at least there is an injection of hope in this sorry state birth country of mine...

been busy over the weekend. but was even more busy on the ward on my last day of the week before weekend dawned upon me. but again busy with purpose. worked with this sister wannabe nurse. not one of the people i'd choose to work with if i've a choice as she behaves like she is the manager running the ward reminding me of the things i need to do etc. anyway, in the end, she was full of praises for me! if only she knows what i thought about her, hah!

i really dread people like her becoming a ward sister eventually. she is just going to make people working with her very tensed! it's beyond my comprehension why people think this is the best way to manage people, to be bossed about? nursing is supposed to be caring, supportive but when it comes to treating your colleagues, this doesn't seem to apply to certain people, bizarre!! I sometimes wonder if i should challenge this kind of behaviour but then knowing me and from my limited amount of experience in dealing in this kinda situation, i don't think i'll do a very good job; so, i guess i'll just grit my teeth and maybe blog about it instead. yes, bit of a cowardice act :-( I really admire one of my nursing friends/colleagues who is so assertive that he would pull someone over and `have a word' with them if he thinks there is some bullying going on. bravo!! wish i could be like that, sometimes, not all the time though.

then the weekend came and gone..

well, did a meal for 8 adults and two toddlers was good; did a tapas-like chinese/malaysian/english meal and it seemed to go down well with my guests. the two kiddo were at their best behaviour i must say and rarely played up at all even though their moms were around. they do know when to pic the time to throw their tantrums. but theyn hey, i still love them to bits, they are the sweetest and cutest babies hehe. i'm not just being a biased parent...

cooking for 8 + 2 apparently is quite a big feat, so i was told. i've to thank my experience of malaysian upbringing. saw huge feast during chinese new year etc. and never really saw the cok/cooks fazed by the sheer number of guests esp. if they are just the family members. i put it down to the fact that dinner/meal invitation over here is quite a formal event whereas it is less so in the east or certainly in my family back in malaysia. so, again i received lotsa praises for my `achievement' huh... i can get used to this i think. but then again before i forget, i have to thank my partner for tidying up the mess in the house and doing the once in a blue moon/only when special guests coming cleaning of the house. it's not perfect but hey, at least it is presentable, to my eye anyway. well, if my mom were here, there'll be lotsa tut-tutting around and there will be argument before the meal or after the meal cos' i'd be telling her off at some stage for not being grateful/appreciative of what i've done :-p

digress a bit, just read this newspaper article about the death of one of the brothers of the malaysian first astronaut. not going to talk about our `space programme' nor the astronaut. well, enough critical review as well as heaps of praises on those subjects depending on which media you susbscribe to (or you could stomach rather). well, that poor chap died without regaining consciousness after a fall according to the press but what i find incredible was there was no mention about the cause of his death, well the real cause of his death. was it subdural haemorrhage etc.? not that i know a lot about head injury even though i did one of my placements on a neuro ward before but surely, people would like to know, esp the family and esp the astronaut brother who is a medical doc! i can `understand' why there is no post-mortem (well, it's just not the malaysian/muslim way- i think, not sure why; i'm probably wrong but that's the kinda impression u get). anyway, i also wonder if we've enough brain surgeon in malaysia or if there is someone who knows how to look after head injury patients! has someone been negligient, not doing their GCS on the patient, not keeping a close eye on the patient? i dunno but u would think this is what the press would want the public to know, how and why a fall in a restaurant would take away a young fit healthy life???

anyway, back to my life, enough of my rants about the state of health care in malaysia or i might be put on the list of unwelcome guests (that is if you read malaysia today :-p) so yes, yes, back to my british life...and the long dark winter awaits...xmas is just within the horizon, not that i celebrate it in a big way but then with the kiddies now, maybe it's going to be different...but at the moment, i just want a rest, bit of peace, just be submerged in this cold dark winter months and not to be woken up just yet...

will blog about the expanded role of nurses' in DNAR/CPR next time...

i try not to criticise or rather not to be too critical of the malaysian ministers but sometimes, it really leaves me wondering if there is a single brain cell left which is working when it comes to certain ministers. for eg.: just read a piece of news titled: fewer HIV cases reported and then there is the health ministry very quickly or perhaps too eagerly expressing their non-brainer conclusion that HIV cases are decreasing. what??? hello, knock knock knock!!! could it not just be because there were less people who came forward to be tested due to the stigma etc.? i rest my case when people in power came up with rubbish like that. you don't need to be very clever to even figure that one out, for goodness sake. huh...

i don't know why i'm annoyed or even frustrated with the stupidity of that statement or analysis by the health ministry. not that it affects me directly but the fact that some people can be so dim is just beyond my comprehension especially the ministry ie. government.

anyway, swiftly moving on before i get to bogged down with this `sensitive' subject (well, only sensitive to certain group of people)..

been another busy day on ward. did everything by the book today so the scary bully sister didn't get a chance to pounce on new meat well, she was too busy anyway. so, it's a good day again on the ward even though it's very busy but i like it when one is busy with purpose. and i guess constant praises by the patients helped a bit too :-p. yes, i'm easily pleased. i shall not reveal what i did to get all the positive praises from all these patients, maybe next time :-p

also, learnt about the Z technique for IM injection. heard of it before but couldn't recall what it was so, the nurse i worked with briefly explained what it entails. so now i know. but will look it up again later to see if this is the current best practise for IM injection. learnt my lesson the other day when i blindly followed what my colleague told me was the correct way to give SC clexane and it ended up with haematoma on the poor patient huh..

right too tired now to continue with my other reflection activities on what went on the ward today. just tired after work + workout ..maybe will write more tomorrow..watch this space! (a popular quote by the ward manager in my last student placement :-p)

what a wonderful day at work today turned out to be! the `bullying' Sr wasn't working, wasn't on the ward, wasn't in charge. so, no telling off for forgetting to fill in your charts etc. what an a......e.

it is kinda a strange day. wasn't really not feeling up to it this morning. weather was cold, it was sunny but i could feel the short day looming and my mood was pretty low in the morning to be honest. and then tried a few things on way to work, listening to a couple of CDs, then ran through my mind the things that i could do to make my life easier on the ward, remind myself to be objective about things the next time i'm told off. and then got to work and wow, what a fab day it turned out to be!

anyway, today is perfect. the whole ward was just perfect. even patients were super duper. no problems at all! and it's fair to say it is a quiet day, yes, the `q' word is out. and all the nurses got a chance to talk to their patients and the patients really appreciated that. what a change from an understaffed, busy, Sr. breathing down your neck ward a couple of days ago.

lets see what changed today: well to start with, there were quite a few empty beds, so, on my bay, there were only 6 patients to look after between myself and the other qualified nurse. so this anecdotal evidence really support the evidence that higher staff to patients ratio really bodes well with everyone, staff morale is high, patients are extremely satisfied, what more can i say? anyone listening out there!! i know money is always the problem, limited resource - management/financial speak but hey, what about prioritising? and i would certainly think nursing care is one of the top priorities if not the top, don't you think so, people at the top??

anyway, also learnt a few things today with regard to nursing:
1. no clexane at least 2 hrs post epidural removal - well this is obvious but it's only obvious when u think about it, i think.
2. no opiods if patients are on PCA/PCEA
3. can't remember the third thing i learnt now :-p

lets hope next week is going to be better!

o yes, a few things to note down before i forget:
1. i must arrange to have a chat with the ward manager re:
a. my preceptorship booklet
b. my contract
c. her expectation of me etc. (am i still supernumerary? till when?)
d. my personal development plan (study days? courses?)
2. contact Occ Health aout NHSP job

and there are a few more things on the list which i'll list down once i get those two done.

i'm watching the world cup as i'm writing this well, hoping that england wins :-p but really wish the commentators would just shut up. they can be a tad over the top with their commentaries at times. it'll be a good game regardless.

back to nursing, found out about contraindications for PCEA; according to the royal marsden, if opiods is given as epidural, no other systemic opiods could be even in any other routes. not sure what the reason is but perhaps respiratory depression etc. anyway, that's what i'm going to tell my preceptor when she comes back from her holiday.

ok, finding it hard to write this while watching the telly. so, will stop this and get back to rugby proper.

the weather is getting so cold now that there was a layer of frost on the car windsreen this morning! it's going to be a severe winter so i've been told. definitely not fancy leaving so early in the morning for work when the road is icy and frosty and then have to park miles from the hospital (can't afford the car parking charges at the hospital - yes staff have to pay to get to work! and the government has the cheek to even deny us a decent pay rise!!).

walking in the cold, dark winter morning is definitely no fun. wonder if i can sue the hospital if i slipped on black ice??

been off for the past few days, so nothing exciting to blog about with regard to nursing really. received my copy of NT yesterday morning. so i guess the postal thing is back to normal now. o yea, have just been told that we could check if we are on the NMC register now. will do that after blogging. knowing my luck, i'm probably not on the register yet as the NMC has probably not got my cheque etc. yet. anyway, patience...

o yes, had a chess game this morning. it's part of the club's annual tournament cup thingy. did a rook for bishop exchange and won bit lucky but then thought i had more active pieces after the exchange anyway. and also thought i might have a bit of a psychological edge after the sacrifice :-p

nothing on the telly; should probably do some further reading on the nursing topics that i'm not good at. actually borrowed a couple of books from the local library. it's quite a good library i think, bit of a pleasant surprise that they actually stock up to date nursing books. hurrah! three cheers to my local library.

ok, better get back to doing some proper reading (just started on patrick gales' my lifetime - or something like that, yesterday nite and as usual, i read the end bit and then back to the middle after i've read the first couple of chapters so, i more or less know what the book is about now, lol.

not that the three are related whatsoever in this post that i'm going to write about...just thought it's kind of interesting to say it when i hear people talk about their PPE degrees from oxford, ahem... :-p

politics
well, i shan't comment too much on the british front apart from the minging old man resigning from lib dem. personally i think it's a shame and he deserves better really. i cannot see what chronicle age has got to do with someone's ability to govern but obviously the media and the british public can be a bit shallow it's a great shame really, anyway, i'll still vote for lib dem in the coming general election which will piss my partner off if word comes round to him lol.

but hey i actually want to blog about malaysian politics in this particular post. not that i vote in malaysia, well there is an obscure law/regulation making it so difficult if not impossible for malaysians residing in foreign countries voting in GE unless you are willing to travel back to register and then go back again to cast your vote. yes, postal vote doesn't work as far as i'm aware of unless you are in the army. anyway, this is not what i want to blog about either today.

i just couldn't believe what i read on thestar online about this `allegedly' corrupt to the core politician in selangor who just organised an open house for the eid festivals in his RM8 million mansion. well, that's £1 million folks. not that i'm jealous, well, just f"£$%^&* jealous. he was investigated earlier and cleared of illegally building this mansion in the first place (by paying the fines etc.). and i'm furious the local press, media, NGOs, ordinary people weren't as furious as they should be. what's going on for f.... sake?? how could a state assembly man afford £1 million??? how? other malaysian political bloggers questioned if he paid his income tax at all? and the sad and depressing thing is not one so called clean politician commented on this either. why?? is malaysian politics really that corrupt? it really really frustrates and angers me seeing people in power getting away with corruption and why are the public still supporting him is beyond me. you don't need an accounting degree to be able to tell that state assemblyman wage cannot possibly afford that kinda palatial mansion -16 rooms, jacuzzi, mini gold course etc.. wow...how and when did malaysian politics go down to as low as that??

and then i couldn't sleep yesterday nite busy thinking about how on earth he still gets support from the public? o yes, before i forget this chappy name is zakaria mat deros or zak in short.

philosophy
why do people support evil dictators? people who plunder, massacre? hitler et al.? how could these people garner support? i suppose not everyone is pure evil, how do you deal with people who are 30% good and 70% evil for eg.? apparently this zak guy then invited 100 orphans for a free treat and stay at his ill-gotten mansion. u think, would the orphans be grateful to him? yes of course they would. would they care that he is possibly a corrupt politician when they grow up? well i dunno frankly. perhaps some of them would, perhaps some of them might think this is how life should be? what can the public possibly get from supporting corrupted politicians? are we public really dumb?

but then i thought about one unrelated event. the war in iraq; had a big row with partner when i found out that he actually supported tony's ridiculous idea of war/invasion to birng democracy and peace to iraq and o yes, to fight terrorism, to prevent WMD being deployed etc. i was an ardent fan of hans blik and preferred to let him finish his job first before deciding on the next course of action. and i thought this is the most logical sensible answer to the problem with saddam then but apparently not. my partner who has got a phd (just to add to the point that maybe academic achievement has nothing to do with being intelligent and sensible) was so adamant that that's the solution to the iraq problem, f!"£$%^ war!!

i've never been through war but am intelligent enough to know that it's going to be hell for people on the street like you and me. i find it very hard to justify the use of force in any circumstances but then i'm naive, maybe that's why i become a nurse. maybe i should take up psychology and try and work out why people act and think the way they do??

nursing
i should really be seriously thinking about doing a course in psychology or i'll go insane getting up at 5am on my day off thinking about why and how we could still allow and sometimes support corrupt, insane, mad, stupid people to represent us? why? why? why? how can people not be mad about the pay nurses get?? and the union accepting the government's staggered pay award and ended up with 1.9% pay increase? are they mad? are we mad in still supporting them? why aren't we boycotting? why could the postal worker union do it and we couldn't? why are we even on Afc when the medics aren't? and asking my ward manager about Afc is just as good as telling her `mama is not coming home today'....well, no, this is what i want to put forward, just like the sound of the phrase and thought i 'd throw that in and see what it looks like in that sentence :-p yes, going mad i know...how can i not??????

maybe it's the winter blues; probably need to start having light therapy soon. not kidding. got this white lamp which seems to ease the SAD a bit but then hey, not sure if it's EBP? but what the heck, if i feel good about it and i can afford it (not that NHS will or should pay in my humble opinion), i don't see why not. just like CAM...

now, enough said, going to badminton soon and see if i can release some of my build-up tension on the court and according to EBP (i think), the melatonin should help with the winter blues