not quite a qualified nurse (?)_nurse preceptee

just came back from holiday in the far east. still jet lagged, still half asleep, still missing the good times whilst on hol and still recovering from the shocking malaysian general election results...

holidays

HK - such a lovely and orderly place, totally different from what i heard about HK. it's incredible how wrong my impression has been. people were so helpful and so kind, so friendly, right from the street vendors to shopkeepers. how could what i've heard about HK been so far from what i've been through these past couple weeks i've been there. and nothing beats meeting up with friends that i'ven't seen for years. and we managed to miss our flight back to the UK as a result lol... bet you, it wasn't funny when we saw our flight wasn't on the display board when we tried to check in and upon discovering that we 've misread the departure time for our flight back, huh. ..

Taiwan - a true nation of shopkeepers!! i've never seen so many shops in my entire life, from villages to big cities like taipei, it's incredible. all the SMIs, think about the money generated locally and the money it sucked in well done taiwan for such a small nation to punch above its weight under so much pressure from the mainland. food is everywhere in taiwan, all kinds of food. and i've been told that they've just implemented similar health system to the NHS not too long ago, about 10 years ago perhaps. i can't help but marvel at this nation of shopkeepers. and it's online everywhere, even up in the mountains, 2500m high, that's more than 6000 feet high, more than twice the average height of the UK `hills'.

i've never felt so clingy to a place i've just visited before but i'm really feeling `homesick' already. i've always been eager to come back home after a two week holiday as i miss my own bed and home after a while. but i can't help but feeling a bit depressed after the two weeks in HK/taiwan... strange...

anyway, i'm still jetlagged. sense will prevail when i'm awake and then back to work, night shifts this weekend, can't wait...

so much to write but brain is half dead actually. there is the malaysian general election to blog about but then hey, do give malaysiakini, malaysia today, other malaysian social political blogs by google etc. a visit if you are interested - it has been called political tsunami , this recent general election.

will blog more later when i'm rid of the jetlag bug

it's much harder to keep blogs up to date than i thought. hence the lack of postings. apologies but hey, there seems to be one or two souls visiting this blog everyday..

well, not much to blog about work except that we are extremely understaffed and it's all about work work work and no play at the moment. plus, theturnover of patients is ridiculously which directly translates to +++workloads with the discharges and admissions to do at the same time with the same pair of rusty, tired, wrinkled old hands. o yes, i'm glad that there was a piece of research out on dermatitis and hand washing frequency but then hey as usual, it was not commented upon by the infection control ppl. hey, u guys/gals up there in your nice comfy room/chair, listen up, hands do get sore after the numerous washing that we have to do and what are you going to do about this???

huh...

and now, swiftly turning away from work and to the general election in malaysia! yess...general election in malaysia on the 8th march. lotsa campaigning and if you read the online newspapers, you will be surprised, disgusted perhaps if you are not used to the `democracy' practiced over there.

here are the reasons why:
1. major, mainstream newspapers, tabloids whatever prints online or otherwise - it's filled with the present government propaganda to stay in power (after 50 years or so), well, to continue to stay in power

2. any news on the opposition is minimal except when it comes to any opposition parties so called major internal conflicts etc. totally lopsided...

3. and here is the big one...lotsa free gifts , freebies for schools (chronically neglected), and donations yes $$$$$£££££££ for rural villages and schools etc. which smacks of open bribery but then unashamedly reported by the mainstream media regardless. if u r not already disgusted, here is more

4. nepotism is everywhere. one particular politician was dropped due to `allegations' of impropriety (well, this zakaria chap - yes that's his name, built a big palatial mansion in a rural village without permit, not to mansion how he got the money to do that in the first place) and o yes, he was dropped from the list of candidates but hey, wait a minute, apparently his seat will be replaced by his son/daughter in law who are also ..yes, u guess it right local politician!!! what the f^&* is going on??? there is nothing wrong with family of politicians, the kennedys did that etc. but hey, it's like passing the baton in this case, little feudalistic warlord controlling his interest but then i can never work out why or how people still support him or give him their votes, that's totally beyond me, sigh... but then, with phantom voters, vote rigging accusations abound, i guess anything can happen...oops, i'll be arrested and questioned by the police for making that statement...or maybe not, i dunno, the climate of fear is there...

5. the last one on my list i promise, well, at least for this post anyway.. the use of police force by the current ruling party/government in the oppression/suppression of opposition (political parties or NGOs, non-political ones aren't spared either as long as there is dissent). hey, that sounds like a communist state but going to some of the Chinese government websites etc. or even television programmes, people were able to criticise the government in public! well, i suppose people could in malaysia, but not in an organised way; so, is this democracy? i don't know, maybe there is indeed different kinds of democracy (only according to these lil warlords who want to cling on to power perhaps??)

ok, i mustn't be too critical about malaysia; closer to home, there is this new plan to get people to take more/new test to become truly british which only applies to people outside EU, ahem....what the f^&*? i gave up at that stage. i've actually promised myself to apply to become a true brit (yes with all the test and the swearing in ceremony) after i could force myself to watch eastenders or the corries or yess..my favourite to listen to the archer before i start screaming, I'm f^&ing MALAYSIAN, GET ME OUTTA `ERE!!!

给自己：

《月夜》
作者：劉方平
更深月色半人家，北斗闌干南斗斜。
今夜偏知春气暖，虫聲新透綠窗紗。

《春曉》
作者：孟浩然
春眠不覺曉，處處聞啼鳥。
夜來風雨聲，花落知多少。

《夜思》
作者：李白
床前明月光，疑是地上霜。
舉頭望明月，低頭思故鄉。

给归来的朋友：

《雜詩》
作者：王維
君自故鄉來，應知故鄉事。
來日綺窗前，寒梅著花未。

看到朋友写，有感而发的：

《回鄉偶書》
作者：賀知章
少小离家老大回，鄉音無改鬢毛催。
儿童相見不相識，笑問客從何處來。

well, worked on christmas and boxing day and then back again on new years eve and the 2nd of jan. well, a good off duty?? i don't know.

came back from dublin the other day. a weekend break really. it was ok. no wow factor i think. dublin lacks that oomph.

will write more about dublin trip next time. and also update on the culinary skills there but one thing to remind me of dublin is their infamous waiting service, just horrendous. ok, better not reveal too much about what i'm going to write about dublin now. swiftly moving on to work...

yes work. well, this is what nurses do, talking about work during the festive season. and the government is staging our meagre pay rise of 2.5% (=1.9% in real terms).

o, gotto go, soz, christmas show with graham norton!!! ciao

well, this is the second time i had my drug assessment and failed. yes, bloody fail again ah well. upon reflection, it was really a stupid mistake. it was flucoxacillin IV and i was going to give it PO. i think the various reasons for `thinking' or rather taking for granted that it was PO was because the patient is well, eating and drinking, no IVI etc. so, basically a `healthy chap'! &*()&

never mind. will do it again tomorrow. i'm getting quite frustrated. but not as frustrated and annoyed as when i failed the first time. i didn't get good sleep the night before, (partly due to partner's low and down mood then), and then was supposed to have the assessment on sun but my dear o dear preceptor decided that she wasn't feeling up for doing my assessment on that day despite changing my shift so that i came in on sunday specially to do my drug assessment. i'm learning to cope with her mood swings. basically i've decided that there is not much i can do about it and there is nothing that i could've said that would have changed her mind. i'll just play dumb and smile, yes keep smiling and i think it sorta get onto her nerves a bit. i wonder if she is trying to break me, conspiracy theory.....

anyway, i've decided not to get frustrated and grumpy about this. also, it's my mistake. should've adhered to the golden rule of right patient, right route, right dose! there u go, lesson learned

i shall not talk about what other nurses told me about my preceptor being harsh on me. well, i'm not exactly her best mates, lol; so, can't really expect very much; also, i don't break down in tears when the situation gets tough; maybe she hates my guts, well, subconsciously anyway; and she does like to be the one in and with power. think i've blogged about this before. it's all about power in the NHS anyway.

as long as i make sure that my patients are happy and satisfied with the care i give and yes, that they are safe under my care. i guess i can try and ignore all the politics... or perhaps not.

i hate to admit that i'm using more and more reflection to help me cope with the challenges i've faced so far on the ward and actively thinking about ways to make sure that i don't make the mistake again and identifing the sources of error or more importantly reflecting on the events which led to my mistakes etc. i'm not a true fan of reflection, not sure why but it's helping me to cope by being positive and constructive.

o yes, i've also just started a couple of psychology modules with the OU. i've got materials for social psychology and it's very interesting so far i must say. never thought sociology can be that mind boggling yes my prejudice there. well, it's hard not to discard my scientific root :-p it looks like a tough course and i'm getting a bit worried that i'm going to find the going tough as the course and work on the ward progresses. we shall see. i hope i've not overestimated my ability and get myself all stressed out about the assignments and exam, yes, one big final exam in sept! well, two cos' i'm trying to be clever and taking two modules. i can't help but laugh at myself sometime. am i really masochistic, why can't i just have a relax life, glutton for punishment really.

but then, hey, i've found reading the psychology text books a way of distracting myself from the stress on the ward. well, two very stressful days i've had so far (in my 3 months on the ward) and i really hope it won't happen again. it was awful and i really dread going to work after those two days. luckily, things are a bit more under control now. the first instance was partly because i was poorly the day before with stomach bug. so was a bit washed out and the the ward was ridiculously busy with lotsa patients needing hygiene care! and then the following shift i think was just lingering effect of that horrible day and i was still recovering from the `shock' of that horrible day. but now, things are under control. and i've reflected on those two days. the first day, well, can't do much about being ill but i think i should try and calm down and prioritise when i'm not feeling too well. make sure the critically ill patients are well looked after, the washes etc. can wait. it can be quite tough if the overzealous or panicky sister started having a fit and kept asking if patients have had their wash or wounds checked. well, prioritise, ignore those unhelpful `suggestions' !

and the second day incident - well, i should really have taken some time out and digest the handover and try and come up with a plan before getting myself sucked into the madness. stand back and have a think. why is it busy? critically ill patients? sheer number of patients needing wash? well, it'll help if i can pause for 5-10 mins and take stock before started lounging into work mode and then found myself not in control at all.

huh, it's ending up a very long entry this. didn't mean to write so much. well, merry christmas to all and a happy new year!

failed my drug assessment ie. can't do drugs yet ie. not quite qualified. reason for failure: too slow, not in control... i just don't know. perhaps i'm just `thick'. i don't see the reason to rush the drug rounds which obviously didn't go down well with my preceptor/assessor. anyway, i've kinda suss her out. there is no point in me getting annoyed or depressed about this. a lot depends on her mood. what i could do to speed things up is perhaps to stop checking the expiry date repeatedly, well at least in my next drug assessment. as long as i make her happy, i'm pretty sure she will sign me off. weird isn't it? this sorta assessment has become a tool of power. anyway, it just proves my long held belief that the health care system is so power mad and very hierachical despite all the best effort to prevent task based work which happened in the old days ie. student nurses - wash patients, new junior nurses - obs, senior nurses - administer drug, sisters - IVI perhaps etc.. well, i'm exagerating a bit of course but hey, this is still happening now! all in the name of clinical skills. it's just so difficult to see how a junior staff nurse can progress according to their ability. on my ward at least, u wait and take your turn. if it takes the sister twenty years to get to where she is now, that's exactly if not more the time that u r supposed to take to get to that position, kabish!!

anyway, looking on the bright side, i think and i hope i'll just persevere and get myself signed off at the end of my supposedly six month preceptorship. and play dumb, do as u r told and i think i'll be fine. sad really but hey, a man gotto do what a man gotto do, eh?

what else was i going to say, o yes, the bloody uniform. i cannot believe the people ordering the uniform is also trying to make my life difficult. now, i've got one set of new uniform, received after waiting for 3 fcuking months, opps, apologies for swearing. and one set was witheld till i gave back the ones they loan to me. there is no point talking about infection control to them. how on earth am i supposed to wash, dry and iron my uniform with only two sets of uniform when working 4 nights in a row is beyond me and apparently this is trust policy. what the %^&!! no one seems to complain. people just wear old uniform to work. and then we complain about MRSA etc.. i dunno.

now, looking on the bright side again, i shall try and pester the ward manager if she would sign the form for more sets of uniform for me. fingers crossed. i just don't understand why i have to chase after people about my uniform. is my life not stressful enough??

anyway, another thing to look forward to, i'm now officially an OU student. just registered myself on a couple of psychology modules. yes, i might be taking on too much here but it's a way for me to not get too stressed about work/people or i should say fcking people and do i what i want to do, that is to study - yes, and maybe have another change in career perhaps. very much doubt so but hey, whatever that makes me happy. besides, it's something to take my mind off things that depress me. now then, i suppose this will backfire if i manage to flunk my assignment or exam lol. haven't sat for exam for yonks now, lol

right, better stop here now as i've just been ping in the chatroom.

not been blogging much about nursing when i actually did blog, so here is my feeble attempt at nursey blogging...

well, i suppose one of the reasons that i'ven't been blogging much about nursing or work or my ward is because i'm slowly settling in, which is a good sign and also, nothing much has changed since i last blogged about my work.

anyway, i'll be assessed on my drug administration soon, next week to be precise. and i'll feel more `complete', more like a qualified nurse once i can administer medication.

so, my preceptor has been given me a few pointers about what to watch out for during drug administration and what drugs to omit etc. eg. one of her favourites is antihypertensive drugs like atenolol. sometimes patients blood pressure dipped quite low, about 105/60 for eg. and atenolol should be omitted. and then check up on their blood pressure and document the omission in nursing records etc. also, if patients are NBM, drugs like:
1. digoxin
2. omeprazole
3. furosemide
4.
5.
can't remember 4 and 5 now, but these drugs although not given should be then prescribed through IV. i can understand digoxin and furosemide but not quite sure why it is important to give IV omeprazole.

o yes, nearly forgot. one of the embarassing situations: question from patient - what is potassium? why is my potassium low? what is potassium for? and i flunked my reply completely!!

on the 10 nov, there was this mass protest on the streets of malaysia, about 400000-60000 people attended the mass rally according to al jazeera, and about 4000 according to the ever faithful local newspapers if it was reported. well, perhaps, protest is not quite the right word but a public rally to submit a memorandum to the King demanding clean and fair election (election due to be called early next year most probably). whilst i do support the call for free and fair election, i'm not very sure about the call for royal intervention. i was just going to write something rude about the royal families (9 of them or so from each state who then pick one to lead the nation for 5 years or so) or i could be charged under the sedition act for disrespecting the monarch. yep, that kind of archaeic law like the one they use in thailand. nuff said...

another protest, this time closer to `home'. a group of malaysians of indian origins has planned a mass gathering of possibly 10000 or so, to submit something, not sure what it's called to the British High commission in KL on the 23 Nov, yes, this sunday requesting HM the Queen to set up a royal commission or enquiry of some kind for the hardship and oppression they have brought to the families and children of these ethnic indian malaysians who were brought in by the British about 150 years ago. they were promised free and equitable life before the brits handed malaya its independence but the community has been sidelined since independence in 1957 and continued to be so at present day. well, if one hasn't heard of malaysian infamous quota/positive discrimination against other ethnic groups in malaysia to assist the majority malay muslims, just speak to any non malay malaysians and you'll get an earful. it's not my intention to have a discussion about this big social reengineering project, but suffice to say, plenty of ill feelings abound amongs the various ethnic groups in malaysia if one were to open ones eyes and ears (except to listen to the government).

anyway, back to this mass gathering. so, as in any other countries in the east, street protest or mass civil gathering against the government is very rare and unusual or `uneastern', hence, unlawful and people and most importantly, the government are not used to although these government purportedly practice democracy (not sure which dictionary they use). alas, police are setting up road blocks (more efficient than catching the crooks on and off the street if one were to read all the socio-politico blogs by malaysians). so, now there is this massive big traffic jams caused by the police action (but have been solely blamed on the planned protest on the local media propaganda). a quick check on the BBC news hasn't revealed anything yet. i wonder if anyone is going to take this Hindraf group seriously at all. but bravo for their spirits. o yes, and many indian malaysian lawyers who are behind the organisation of the gathering on the 23 nov have been arrested, handcuffed and all that and charged under the sedition act (yes, another legacy of the brit -oops, not trying to put any blame here).

so now, i guess it's just wait and see if there is going to be enough people power to move this arrogant and imbecile malaysian government to do something about this section of isolated, sidelined community of malaysians. and i wonder if the BBC is going to even take up the news or deemed the gathering newsworthy. we shall see...

good luck and bravo to all those to who stood and continue to stand against oppresive, authoritarian regimes. i must admit i've no balls when it comes to that, i can't even stand up for myself to the ward sisters or ward manager or some of my colleagues. am i a bad nurse? can i be a true patient advocate? can nurses be true patient advocate (standing up to the authority or their medical colleagues) - at this moment in time, i seriously doubt it.

why do people have to be unpleasant to each other?
why can't i be happy all the time?
why do i have to feel upset or sad?
why am i having these thoughts?
why do i think i'm wasting a lot of my time online?
why don't things go my way all the time?
Why am i feeling the winter blues?
why do i find it difficult to post a new blog at times?
why won't i stand up for myself?
why can't i be more assertive?
why can't i be more quick witted?
why do i still have to wait for my uniform from my trust?

why am i writing all these even?

why can't i see into my future?

what will i do when i am old?

will my children be good and happy?

will my family/relatives lead a good and happy life?

will the world come to an end? - well, that's probably a stupid question to ask cos' it's not, just won't, not in my life time anyway; unless there is a nuclear war which is extremely unlikely. so to all doomsayers, soz...maybe if u live for another few million of years, perhaps??

last why...

why am i attending the trust induction tomorrow, two months after i've started working on the ward???

alas, i moan too much..i guess i should stop now

not that what i'm going to write about in this post has anything to do with the title above, and not that i understand much about the quote/phrase anyway. so read on at your own peril.

i've meant to blog about this young malaysian politician, Khairy Jamaluddin; apparently an oxford graduate ; hence held in very high esteem in the malaysian political circle or rather within his own party which really govern the malaysian politics really. and then he became more famous after he married the current PM's only daughter, Nori. now unashamedly in his recent interview with the local media, he talked or rather boasted about how he had got things done cos' he is the PM's son in law (or SIL in m'sia). almost choked on my lunch when i read the excerpt of the interview. nepotism to the "£$%^&g core!! and the depressing thing is there was nothing mentioned about this on the mainstream newspaper about this glaring nepotism and admission from the SIL?? hello?? am i the only one awake or everyone else is hibernating even the tropical sunshine of malaysia??? i rest my case, just put me to sleep and don't let me wake up...

then i just read about the jehovah's woman who died after giving birth to twins. i guess this is how terrorists justify killing other innocent men and women in the name of religion? my feeble mind just cannot comprehend this and hence `the work of god' so, i remain agnostic/atheistic whatever; anyway as i've mentioned in my earlier post, just as well i was brought up a buddhist who doesn't believe in the almighty god or whatever you call it. but then the buddhism i was brought up in was so tainted with the beliefs of the community i was brought up in as well, so, when i reflected on this, i drifted further away from religion... i'm just not convinced about the benefit of religion if i were to be honest.

oops, just smelled burnt pizza, god's punishment was swift!!

yes, i burnt down my kitchen once whilst going online and forgetting that i was deep frying chicken years back, i should've learnt alas...

do we need religion to become good people, to be pleasant to each other? consult dawkin's god delusion, and u'll get a resounding NO.

i've at this stage forgotten about what i was going to blog about apart from that KJ SIL guy in malaysia.

can't think of anything to blog about NHS or nursing...o yes, just remembered.

does mocking your colleagues' accent count as racism?? till next time...